~CordeliaxShotxHim

A time for excitement.

So on Thursday, I turned 19. I have been 19 for four full days. I know that you wouldn't expect it to - but being 19 feels different. Maybe it is the fact that I have faciliated, and almost completed, the move into a new apartment entirely by myself. (That is excluding man power of my boyfriend.) I feel accomplished. I feel happy. This is a great apartment, with some cool girls and a great feel to it. I don't have to be so lonely anymore.

But there is always improvement to be made and thoughts to be thunked about.

Oh oh oh - and Brian ( ~perplexi0n ) got me a deviantart subscription! I better make good use of it. Thank you Briiiiiiiiiiiian. I've been writing, thinking, and I think I am about ready to start creating.

I'm kind of on the edge of something(s) right now. In that place where there is a lot of excitement, but no words to describe it because that whatever has not been fully realized. When it is - you'll know. I'll tell you all about what is going on, where I am at, and how it feels.

But for now - I have to go finish packing my stuff up. I have to finish moving. So that i can do homework, and be the productive individual that I crave so badly to be.

I WILL DO IT.

My fingers touch upon my lips
It’s a morning yearning
It’s a morning yearning
Pull the curtains shut try to keep it dark
But the sun is burning
The sun is burning

The world awakens on the run
And we’ll soon be earning
We’ll soon be earning
With hopes of better days to come
That’s a morning yearning
Morning yearning

Morning yearning…

Another day another chance to get it right
Must I still be learning?
Must I still be learning?
Baby crying kept us up all night
With her morning yearning
With her morning yearning

Morning yearning…

Like a summer rose I’m a victim of the fall
But am soon returning
Soon returning
You’re love’s the warmest place the sun ever shines
My morning yearning
My morning yearning

Morning yearning…

Okay, so it's midterms time. I have two 3 page papers due at 6 that I haven't started. I blame 2 hour parking - which I have to find a new spot in every 2 hours. Boo that.

I am posting some poetry that I've written in the last month or two. 2 poems today, hopefully more tonight or tomorrow. A lot has been happening in my life - on a personal level - so there is plenty of room for writing.

I have been working on photos for my design class as well - so those may get posted tonight or tomorrow.

Fun stuff!

I miss you guys.
The friends that are always there.
Always encouraging.
Always critiquing.
Always helping me grow instead of setting me back.

I gave me away
I could have knocked off the evening
But I lonelily loomed her into my bone
You let me down
There's no use deceiving
Neither of us wanna be alone

I need a piss
Wanna hate
Fuck it up
Come
My love
Eat your meat
Keep your teeth
Run
You lost me
You cost me
You thought me of me, yeah
We're bad
What we do
Stupid fools
You wanna get boned,
You wanna get stoned
You wanna get a room like no-one else
You wanna be rich
You wanna be kitch
You wanna be the bastard of yourself
You wanna get burned
You wanna get turned
You wanna get fucked inside out
You wanna be ruled
You wanna be fooled
You wanna be a woman like a man
like a, like a, like a
Woman like a man, like a man, like a woman like a man, like a man
(I'll get a cheaper ticket next time)
Woman like a man, woman like a man, like a woman like a man, woman like a man
(I'll get a cheaper ticket next time)
Woman like a man, like a man, like a woman like a man, woman like a man
(I'll get a cheaper ticket next time)
Woman like a man, like a man, like a woman like a man, like a man
(It really wasn't worth the ride)
I need a hit
Want to wait
Suck it up
Cum
my love
eat your meat
itchy feet
run
You reach me
You bleach me
You teach me of me
How familiar
We're bad
What we do
Stupid fools
You wanna get boned,
You wanna get stoned
You wanna get a room like no-one else
You wanna be rich
You wanna be kitch
You wanna be the bastard of yourself
You wanna get burned
You wanna get turned
You wanna get fucked inside out
You wanna be ruled
You wanna be fooled
You wanna be a woman like a man
like a woman, like a, like a man
Like a man
Like a man, man, man, man...
Like a man, man, man, man...
Woman like a man
Woman like a man, like a man, like a woman like a man, woman like a man
(I'll get a cheaper ticket next time)
Woman like a man, like a man, like a woman like a man, like a man
(I'll get a cheaper ticket next time)
Woman like a man, like a woman like a man, like a woman like a man, like a man
(I'll get a cheaper ticket next time)
Woman like a man, woman like a man, like a woman like a man, like a man
(It really wasn't worth the ride)
You wanna get boned
You wanna get stoned
You wanna get a room like no-one else
You wanna be rich
You wanna be kitch
You wanna be the bastard of yourself
You wanna get burned
You wanna get turned
You wanna get fucked inside out
You wanna be ruled
You wanna be fooled
You wanna be a woman like a man
like a woman, like a, like a man
like a man, like a man, like a man
like a man, man, man, man...
like a man, man, man, man...
Woman like a man
Woman like a man, like a man, like a man, woman like a man
(I'll get a cheaper ticket next time)

My closest deviants:

When we made my bed, and wrestled underneathe the sheets. I have a picture of you and I lying with the white light all around us. We looked into each others eyes, smelled each others scents, felt each others warmth, and laughed together. It was a good laugh, a real laugh filled with bright and excited joy. I miss that joy. I miss moments like that.

I miss the feeling of knowing that someone loves you more than they've loved anything else in all the world. I miss the idea of someone who is capable of loving me that way.

Dave Matthews :: Stay or Leave

Maybe different, but remember
Winters warm there you and I,
Kissing whiskey by the fire
With the snow outside
And the summer comes
The river swims at midnight
Shiver cold
Touch the bottom, you and I
with muddy toes

Stay or leave
I want you not to go
But you should
It was good, as good goes
Stay or leave
I want you not to go
But you did

Wake up naked drinking coffee,
Making plans to change the world
While the world is changing us...
It was good good love.
You used to laugh under the covers
Maybe not so often now
But the way I used to laugh with you
Was loud and hard

Stay or leave
I want you not to go
But you should
It was good as good goes
Stay or leave
I want you not to go
But you did

So what to do
With the rest of today's afternoon, hey
Isn't it strange how we change
Everything we did
Did I do all that i should

That I could'a done

Remember we used to dance
And everyone wanted to be
You and me
I want to be too
What day is this
Besides the day you left me?
What day is this
Besides the day you went?

So what to do
With the rest of the day's afternoon, hey
Well isn't it strange how we change
Everything we did
Did I do all that I could

Remember we used to dance
And everyone wanted to be you and me
I want to be too
What day is this
Besides the day you went babe
What day is this

My closest deviants:

Mood: Incredibly alone & heartsick
Music: Thom Yorke, Sia, Hoobastank
Reading: Danse Macabre
Watching: A Scanner Darkly
Eat/Drink: Reeses

Both the Pink Floyd influenced instrumentals and the lyrics of this song hit me very deeply.

.....
Hoobastank More Than A Memory

I've become tired
Of Wasting my time
Thinkin' bout choices
That I've made
Cuz I can't move forward
While looking behind
The only thing I can do now
Is change the way
That I use to be
Cuz now it seems
Crystal clear to me

Cuz you're so much more
Than a memory
Cuz you're so much more
Than a memory

It wasn't fair
For me just to go
Act like I knew what you've been though
Cuz I wasn't there
And I'll never know
Couldn't see from
Your point of view
But I'm doing all I can
For you to see
That I understand
That I understand

You're so much more
Than a memory
Cuz you're so much more
Than a memory
So don't close the door
On what still can be
Cuz you're so much more
Than a memory

Please don't go
Cuz I finally know
That the past is gone
I know that I was wrong
I was wrong

You're so much more
Than a memory
Cuz you're so much more
Than a memory
So don't close the door
On still what can be
Cuz you're so much more
Than a memory

Please don't go
Cuz I finally know
That the past is gone
And I know that I was wrong

Please don't go
Cuz I finally know
That the past is gone
And I know that I was wrong
I was wrong

......

There are some lessons that we learn in an untimely fashion, and those that we learn right away. The former are the ones that will kill you inside, cut a deep deep gash and then fester. The biggest struggle is figuring out how to keep the wound clean and let it heal.

......
Sia Butterflies

We've been to the top, we've been to the bottom
We've known everything and forgotten, yeah

You've kicked me around, you've wrapped me in cotton
You've carried our load, and you've shot 'em

Oh yes the butterflies are still there
Oh yes the butterflies are still there

We've argued by the baggage claim
We've accepted and we've laid blame
We've drank Sangthip in monsoonal rain
We've felt separate and felt the same

Oh yes the butterflies are still there
Oh yes the butterflies are still there
Oh yes the butterflies are still there
Oh yes the butterflies are still there

We've shared joy and we've shared pain
We've shared guilt and we've shared shame
We've bought into the stupid games
We've freed each other and we laid claim

Oh yes the butterflies are still there
Oh yes the butterflies are still there
Oh yes the butterflies are still there
Oh yes the butterflies are still there

Because we came from the same cocoon

.....

There is a reason that arguments come to easy. Its that we are so similar, and hate to see our flaws in each other. The hardest part is recognizing those flaws and fixing them, and then trying to make good with your changes. You have to try to make good with changes that weren't there when you needed them and that may not give you what you want most. But you have to do it anyway, to be better. If not for now, then for next time.